My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I enjoy long walks away from co-workers who say “Hey ya gotta watch this 10 minute YouTube video”.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.