@_davidlucas_

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

@_davidlucas_

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

@_davidlucas_

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

@_davidlucas_

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

@_davidlucas_

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

@_davidlucas_

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

@_davidlucas_

I enjoy long walks away from co-workers who say “Hey ya gotta watch this 10 minute YouTube video”.

@_davidlucas_

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

@_davidlucas_

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.