When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I’m confused about plants
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.