My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.