Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of _elvishpresley_'s best tweets

@_elvishpresley_ : Vin Diesel: so the cars go fast

producer: that’s it?

Vin Diesel: no...they’ll also be... furious

producer: *stands up* LET’S MAKE 50

@_elvishpresley_: Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea

producer: great

Vin Diesel: so there's these cars

producer: go on

Vin Diesel: they'll be fast

producer: can they also be...furious?

Vin Diesel: i dont see why not

producer: let's make fifty

@_elvishpresley_: For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

@_elvishpresley_: [first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

@_elvishpresley_: COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

@_elvishpresley_: boss: david, you're fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me :)

@_elvishpresley_: peter parker: i'm broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings...

peter: yes! that's it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i'lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

@_elvishpresley_: Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids...

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds