@_elvishpresley_: Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea
Vin Diesel: so there's these cars
producer: go on
Vin Diesel: they'll be fast
producer: can they also be...furious?
Vin Diesel: i dont see why not
producer: let's make fifty
@_elvishpresley_: For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
should have bought adult shoes.
@_elvishpresley_: [first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
@_elvishpresley_: COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
@_elvishpresley_: boss: david, you're fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me :)
@_elvishpresley_: peter parker: i'm broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings...
peter: yes! that's it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i'lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
@_elvishpresley_: Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids...
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds