I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
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What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My new favorite headline
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
🙀🙀🙀😹
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
That’s incredible! 👌
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still