“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.