I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Flowers bee like
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts