If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Cake!!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.