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wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I think I’ll stand
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”