opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.