Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*