*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”