One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.