@_knuck_

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

@_knuck_

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

@_knuck_

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”