IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Quadruple digit IQ
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him