Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _little_old_me's best tweets

@_little_old_me : A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, "Nice try, Ted Bundy."

@_little_old_me: I'm not saying I'm a mythical creature, I'm just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

@_little_old_me: The best misheard song lyric ever is "Hit me with your pet shark".

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

@_little_old_me: I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

@_little_old_me: I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole "Oh, you're breaking up, I can't hear you" thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

@_little_old_me: I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I'm by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

@_little_old_me: My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he'll probably eat that eyeball first.