This woman is my idol. Free her.
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
How I’d get arrested…
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.