When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread