concern
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My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Are you ok, human???
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes thereâs a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
letâs hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I canât even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakiraâs hips have the same reputation
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My daughter was âgradedâ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied âTaraâs Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.â
I am embarrassed for myself.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. đ©
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev âCan the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?â and theyâll say âsure, thatâs easyâ and then youâll ask âcan the player wear a scarf?â and theyâll go âoofâ
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[texting]
Him: Whatâre you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why donât you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHEâS BUSY DANCING, TODD
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: Weâll come back for these later
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Itâs an indescribable feeling when Iâm trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming âHELPâ.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ Iâm gonna have to leave here now.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work đ .
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I often wonder who Pete isâŠ
and why we do things for his sakeâŠ
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.