Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.