Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Do not levitate over flowers
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?