Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
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If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
cats when you pet them too long:
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.