ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea