cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
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every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Why am I like this?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing