cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.