When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
You Might Also Like
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”