@_sleepysmile

What’s with this ‘running with scissors’ bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?

@_sleepysmile

Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.

@_sleepysmile

He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.

@_sleepysmile

Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*

@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.