It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
You Might Also Like
Spring cleaning checklist…
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Strangers have the best candy.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.