I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.