Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.