@_steamy_mac

I must’ve had a stroke last night, I woke up with a strong desire to watch How I Met Your Mother.

@_steamy_mac

Don’t be upset it didn’t work out with us, babygirl, I’m sure there’s someone else out there that’s almost as disappointing as me.

@_steamy_mac

From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

@_steamy_mac

Me: I think I’m having a heart attack.
Her: Fingers crossed!

@_steamy_mac

I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

@_steamy_mac

Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away

@_steamy_mac

Oh, you’re serious about hiking? Cool, I know how to walk, too.

@_steamy_mac

I’ve got a pretty nice body if your only other option is a river corpse at full bloat.

@_steamy_mac

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

@_steamy_mac

Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.