I must’ve had a stroke last night, I woke up with a strong desire to watch How I Met Your Mother.
Don’t be upset it didn’t work out with us, babygirl, I’m sure there’s someone else out there that’s almost as disappointing as me.
From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.
Me: I think I’m having a heart attack.
Her: Fingers crossed!
I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.
Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.
Oh, you’re serious about hiking? Cool, I know how to walk, too.
I’ve got a pretty nice body if your only other option is a river corpse at full bloat.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.