Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _steamy_mac's best tweets

@_steamy_mac : I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:

I can’t afford HBO.

@_steamy_mac: I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

@_steamy_mac: Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.

@_steamy_mac: Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!

@_steamy_mac: “The baby’s been crying all day, we should microwave some fish.” - my neighbours

@_steamy_mac: If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@_steamy_mac: I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.

@_steamy_mac: I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.

@_steamy_mac: Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I'm pretending I'm gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.

@_steamy_mac: *deep drag off cigarette
I was in love once, kid.
*proceeds to eat lit cigarette