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@_steamy_mac : I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.
@_steamy_mac: I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.
@_steamy_mac: Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I'm pretending I'm gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.
@_steamy_mac: *deep drag off cigarette
I was in love once, kid.
*proceeds to eat lit cigarette
@_steamy_mac: I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that's not a professional wrestler.
@_steamy_mac: Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesn’t believe me.
@_steamy_mac: Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?
@_steamy_mac: "Sorry, I have to take this call."
"That's a banana. And it's half eaten."
*covers banana with hand
"I don't tell you how to do business."
@_steamy_mac: *standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life
@_steamy_mac: When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.