I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.