Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@_steamy_mac : Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesn’t believe me.
@_steamy_mac: Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?
@_steamy_mac: "Sorry, I have to take this call."
"That's a banana. And it's half eaten."
*covers banana with hand
"I don't tell you how to do business."
@_steamy_mac: *standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life
@_steamy_mac: When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.
@_steamy_mac: If you didn't bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don't drink it in front of us, Gary.
@_steamy_mac: Saw a couple take a selfie in the parking lot of my apartment complex and I can only assume it’s because they think they’ve found the saddest place on Earth.
@_steamy_mac: Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”
@_steamy_mac: Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.
@_steamy_mac: Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five