My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
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How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.