If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]