@_troyjohnson: You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me."

Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

@_troyjohnson: Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.

@_troyjohnson: 5yo: "Dad we don't have a chimney. How will Santa get in?"

Me: Probably through my credit card.

5: what?

Me: what?

@_troyjohnson: *loads dryer*

Fitted Sheet: HE'S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!

@_troyjohnson: Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

@_troyjohnson: Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.

@_troyjohnson: Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.

@_troyjohnson: Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.

@_troyjohnson: Historic moments in rap.

Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
Jay Z