throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
You Might Also Like
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.