Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“No way.” -Jose
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro