Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…