Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Lucky old June.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone