INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
new shirt idea
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”