Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Wait for it
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Children of the corn 🌽
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish