He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
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Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
don’t be scared
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals