I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’