The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*