With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.