The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 馃悤
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i鈥檒l shoot
me: here take my wallet i don鈥檛 want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Just a bush.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
reduce, reuse, recycle
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it鈥檚 their word against mine
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I don鈥檛 remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour鈥檚 backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me :
All Day At Night
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I鈥檇 write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.