Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”