Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
(True)
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*