Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.