physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Truth
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles