Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything