Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
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*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Grandmother clock.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My blood type is coffee.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Venn
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.